Millie’s story

//Millie’s story

Gone, but not all
There in the empty village the bells rang out. Everything gone. Everything dead. Where was it all? Was there any life left? He woke up and looked around it was a mess. He had lost everything like water down a drain; he felt he just couldn’t survive. He stood up and wondered where his mother, father and sister had gone. Abandoning Hacon in the centre of the town was he alone or was there more life other than just him. He was sat staring at his poor house the only one left as rubble a deep thin hole underneath, no trace of parents ever living. Jack stumbled towards his broken house and reached for the old family photo. It was only him, no sister, and no mother, no father just him in the centre of the photograph. He stood crying how would he survive he couldn’t possibly. The thoughts of his family were gone nothing in the picture he couldn’t think. He pinched himself, nothing at all. He decided to venture away from the rubble. He came to the sword and shield. He couldn’t bear it any more. No more songs from Enile. He tried to remember. Was he the cause of sudden death and loss of Hacon’s memory? He sprinted to the river. HOOOOOWWWL!!! The spine chilling scream was ringing through Hacon’s brain. He ran. He tripped. He fainted. When Hacon awoke he was wrapped up in a neat blanket he wasn’t alone. As he stood up a small letter fell off the blanket it said:

Hello I am?
I found you here I have given you food and will until I feel safe to show my self
From ?

What do you think happens next?

By | 2015-02-05T12:01:15+00:00 February 5th, 2015|Pupil Blog|21 Comments

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21 Comments

  1. MISS COOK February 5, 2015 at 1:44 pm - Reply

    A fantastic story!

    I really like your use of repetition in the beginning, and also your use of rhetorical questions- you have really considered your audience and the impact of your language.

    I wonder if you have though about entering the Radio 2 competition?

  2. jessica February 5, 2015 at 1:53 pm - Reply

    well done millie! i love your story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its wonderful!!!! amazing! its the best story opening!

  3. Mrs Alcock February 5, 2015 at 7:06 pm - Reply

    Oooh this gave me goosebumps to read! What a fantastic writer you are-I could have been reading a published author! I want to read more!

  4. Evie February 6, 2015 at 2:41 pm - Reply

    This is really great! When I read it I can just imagine it in my head, the imagery is amazing! I would really love you to continue to write more chapters to this opening, it makes want to read on. It leaves me asking questions in my head anout what will happen next!

  5. Rosie February 6, 2015 at 2:45 pm - Reply

    I really love this story opening because it is so mysterious! You should definitely do the 500 word BBC Radio 2 competition. It leaves questions unanswered in readers heads. Well Done! :)

  6. Taryn February 6, 2015 at 2:46 pm - Reply

    This is an amazing start to a story. It really makes me want to know what has happened to his family and why he is alone. I love how it doesn’t tell you much about what has happened to Jack. Very detailed opening :)

  7. Joey February 6, 2015 at 2:46 pm - Reply

    I loved your story Millie! It gripped me from the very beginning and i loved you’re similes and repetition of the word everything. Please write more! you should turn this into a full length story! the plot is very original and withholds information- it makes you wonder who, what, when and why? Tip: be careful with use of punctuation.

  8. Joey February 6, 2015 at 2:48 pm - Reply

    I loved your story Millie! It gripped me from the very beginning and i loved you’re similes and repetition of the word everything. Please write more! you should turn this into a full length story! the plot is very original and withholds information- it makes you wonder who, what, when and why? Tip: be careful with use of punctuation. i think that he/she will continue travelling and discovering. maybe you could add in a sidekick if some kind? maybe mythical? UNICORNS!

  9. Ms. T February 6, 2015 at 2:50 pm - Reply

    A fantastic start- you create a chilling atmosphere. I like your use of questions. How about using punctuation to have an effect on the pace?

  10. Sophie February 6, 2015 at 2:50 pm - Reply

    This is great MIllie! i love the withheld information and all the unanswered questions because it intstantly makes you want to read on. I also like how it ends on a cliffhanger. Really gripping stuff, I want to hear more about Jack now! :D

  11. Amy February 6, 2015 at 2:57 pm - Reply

    Well done Millie!

    That is a very good story, it sent a shiver down my spine.

  12. Sophie February 8, 2015 at 5:50 pm - Reply

    Hi Millie I think it should be his mother who found him and he does have a family he just doesn’t know it yet

  13. bethan February 26, 2015 at 6:07 pm - Reply

    Well done Millie

  14. bethan February 26, 2015 at 6:09 pm - Reply

    Great opener (could do with some unicorns though ;) )
    It’s driving me coconuts I wanna know who found him.
    Btw….. WAT HAPPENS!! If this was a book I would soooo read it :)

  15. bethan February 27, 2015 at 7:33 am - Reply

    I think that this person that found him should be a bit magical so they know everything about him and can tell him things about his past and his family!! And she/he helps him find his Fri and family :) !!!

  16. bethan February 27, 2015 at 7:34 am - Reply

    It is meant to be friends not Fri

  17. bethan March 2, 2015 at 7:53 am - Reply

    Good story (could do with some unicorns though ;) ) I think this person that finds him is someone related to him but he dosnt know it and he/she should take him to where his family are and he/she tells Whitmore about his past!!! :) good job!! Plz tell me what happens

  18. Bethan March 2, 2015 at 7:54 am - Reply

    It is meant to be him more not withmore

  19. millie March 3, 2015 at 1:52 pm - Reply

    thanks for the comments

    i have made a mistake though the characterjack is meant to say hacon instead because that is his real name

  20. gabby March 3, 2015 at 1:52 pm - Reply

    that story is amazing!!!!!!! so cool what will happen next

  21. abi March 17, 2015 at 1:41 pm - Reply

    TREE HUGGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GOGOGOGOGO MILLLLLLIIIEEEE!!!!
    :-) LOVE YOUR STORY . so fantastic

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