Black Wrath by Luke

//Black Wrath by Luke

Please comment on what I can improve on.

Peter, Harry, Pietro, Vincent, and Arthur watched as the sun rose above their heads-for they were in the village of Scottodale-right by MT Lermoor and the Gralem ocean. An abandoned village, or so it seemed. They were walking towards the outskirts of the village, the route they usually took, everyday.

“When are we going to get something to eat,” asked Harry: he was not slim, but he can be very handy with a sword. Sword fighting was one of his stronger skills, eating is the other.

“Once Spanish here has found what he’s looking for,” answered Peter: He was the leader of the White knives: a group that scavenged the entire of the county of Berra for food-and the only survivors left in Scottendale. And he was referring to Pietro-a young Spanish boy with a heart of steel.

“I still don’t get why we even let Spanish here in our group;” said Arthur: no one knew his past, just like Pietro; all they knew about Arthur was that he’s pushy, aggressive, and he’s a bit jealous that Peter is the leader of the White Knives. But nobody else knows that.

“We should just kick him out and let him be eaten by wild Warregs.” Harry said. Warregs are a deadly predator and you do not want to let them spot you, they eat everything in their sight, even their own bodies! That’s why their endangered.

“Let’s just stop arguing and start killing animals so we can eat them and live for another few days.” Announced Vincent: Vincent was the brainiac in the group, like the others he was starving, and he might soon eat the others.

The others were now strolling away; not even bothering about Pietro who now started to show tears.

Peter, Harry, Arthur, Pietro and Vincent were now in the forest of food, they called the forest that because they always got there food in the forest, by killing animals and eating their raw bodies. In some places in Berra they don’t know what they’re called. One is the forest and another is a half demolished temple which they refer to as, Tumblesmash.

“Boar, wild boar: fat and delicious, with cider!” Yelled Harry who has spotted a boar, half asleep. Harry’s voice woke her from slumber which gave her shock as she saw her to-be murderers standing in front of her. She ran as fast she could, deeper into the forest.

“Boar! Wild boar! Fat and delicious with cider!” Arthur mimicked in Harry’s strange, and high voice. “You ‘flipplin’ scared it away ya doof”.

“Well I’m sorry” Harry sobbed. Harry waddled away-for he struggled to run. Pietro followed him close by.

“Bye bye penguin! Hope you find some yummy fish!” laughed Arthur.

“Arthur, didn’t you see?” said Peter. “Pietro followed him, we have to go after them, who knows what Pietro will do without our supervision. For we both know that boy is weird, he could be jumping off a cliff for all we know.”

“Fine” Arthur replied. “let’s go after beak-brain and El wierdos!”

Pietro and Harry were at the clifftops overlooking the Castle of knives: their home. And the village of Scottendale. Pietro was comforting the now puffed-out Harry.

“I only wanted to help them kill some animals, and you’re probably here because you hate watching innocent animals getting killed, not here because you’re worried I’m lonely. Nobody here like’s me.” Sobbed Harry.

“Look out” muttered Pietro.

“ What, what did you say?” Asked Harry. Pietro was about to answer when he collapsed to the ground, dead!

Before them, stood a wild Warreg.

By Luke

By |2015-02-09T18:36:13+00:00February 9th, 2015|Pupil Blog|7 Comments

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  1. megan February 11, 2015 at 7:50 pm - Reply

    Thats a good story

  2. bethan February 27, 2015 at 7:24 am - Reply

    Wow!!! I absolutely love this :)
    Some bits were funny and I love the way u described the boys!! This one of the best openers ;)
    I really wanna find out what happens now!!
    Please write more!! :)
    This is the best opener and if u wrote more and turned it into a book I would definitely read it!! Well done. Love it :)

  3. bethan February 27, 2015 at 7:29 am - Reply

    I wanna know what a wild earth is!! :) :) :) :)
    U don’t know how much I love this opener!!! :)

  4. bethan February 27, 2015 at 7:29 am - Reply

    I mean warth

  5. bethan February 27, 2015 at 7:25 pm - Reply

    Love this story plz leave me a reply cause I got some questions

  6. bethan February 27, 2015 at 7:26 pm - Reply

    I love the way up described the boys. Some bits made me laugh and I love how each character as there own character trade :) this is probably my favourite opener!! Well done LOVE IT :) !!!!!

  7. MISS COOK March 17, 2015 at 11:40 am - Reply

    Luke- you have asked for comments on what to improve on in your writing. I am a Y6 teacher in another school and I specialise in English.

    I really enjoyed reading your story, and was so very impressed. This is a fantastic opener- well done. You obviously have a flair and a passion for writing. You show control and viewpoint.

    To improve further, I would suggest you consider the amount of speech you use. Try to intersperse direct speech with reported speech and also make your reader work more by describing what characters do and how they move rather than what they say. I hope this is helpful :-)

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